"Hello, my name is Phineas Bloggs, Managing Director of the Dead Sea Salt Works. I'm looking for the Son of God."
"That's me."
"Really? I had expected someone taller. Anyway, God has given me a ministry of supporting various evangelists, and I'd like to make a large donation toward your work."
"Thank you. That's very nice."
"But I want to be sure it'll convert people to Christianity."
"Would you like me to use it to feed the poor?"
"No, no, no! That's the kind of thing I want to avoid. Anyone can feed the poor. I want to teach people that you are the Messiah... the Second Person of the Trinity."
"I try to play down that sort of thing myself. It's so easy to slap titles on leaders without really listening to what they're saying."
"You could use the money to rent a hall and hold meetings. We could print up handbills and pack the place out."
"That kind of things happens pretty spontaneously for me. I usually have more crowds than I can handle. The truth is, that I don't need more than a few shekels for myself and my friends here..."
"Nonsense! You could put up posters in other towns, extending your influence. Just be sure they say you are the Saviour of the world, and that no one can get to heaven without accepting you. Got that? Saviour of the world, and..."
"People would have to be daft to believe I'm the Saviour of the world just because a poster said so. What if Caesar or Pilate did the same thing?"
"But they're not the Saviour of the world! And you are... aren't you?
"Yes, but..."
"You are the Messiah, the Way, the Truth and the life?"
"Yes, that's me. But I prefer to be called Jesus. See, my Father usually tells them all the other stuff after they've seen me in action. It's my love that they need to see."
"Love, schmuv! Everybody talks love these days. We want converts, and we won't get them if we don't make it clear that Christianity is superior to all the other religions."
"But the only way to do that is with superior love. We have to lay down our lives in love first, before they will have a good reason to believe we are special."
"Oh, I see! The cross! Good idea. We can put up crosses all over the country. I've got some novel ideas using neon and crystal. And we could make little crosses for people to put on their ox carts or wear around their necks. It might even turn into a finance-generating ministry of its own."
"But you don't buy crosses. You die on them. If you really want to help, you can come with me and we can both be put on crosses."
"Hold on! The cross is your responsibility. I just wanted to make a donation.
(See also Self-Righteousness.)
Register or log in to take the quiz for this article
